handy

despite Claire's sabbatical this week , i am going to try to feed the blog at least a bit. that way it won't feel too neglected.

i had my first professional massage yesterday, and i'm still processing my thoughts about it. i went in to see if they could do anything about my naggy lower back pain, and so far it seems to have helped, although i'm not sure i'd jump right back into the bed. i just find it so strange that under the name of "massage" it is perfectly legit to undress , lay in a bed, and have a stranger caress you for a full hour or longer. perhaps i felt weird because my masseuse was a straight (i think) man near my own age, but i think it's just the concept in general of having someone's hands all over you in such an intimate/not-intimate way . anyway, it 's free through my insurance, so i will probably go back. (but i'm sticking to back work only, i do NOT want somebody rubbing my butt!)

it's been one snow storm after another out here, which has led my mind to focus on summer plans perhaps a little too soon. i first looked into art residencies in Bali, but of course they are not offered during the summer months. besides, i don't think i can go to Bali with out you Claire. i'm pretty sure that's one place we need to experience together. i still have my eyes on a few other residencies that i might apply to including one in Brazil, and one on a cattle ranch in Wyoming. if that doesn't work out, i thought it might be nice to rent a beach house on the Oregon coast and have my own self-directed residency there. my ideas are in the lofty stage right now , so who knows where i will be. i just hope it's not working at the Table Mountain Ranch summer camp back home again....

i've hardly been able to make any "art" since i've been back at school. i think i have been letting the paper work and class planning monopolize my energy. i do have some good ideas, though, which terrifies me. you know that stage where an idea has developed and evolved but it only exists in your mind? and then taking that first step to bring it out of the mind and into a physical existence is so frightening because there's so much chance to screw it up. that's where i am. trying to talk myself into the possibility of screwing up. one thing i might do are some paintings/drawings/collages based on these still lifes i set up with toy horses and cowboys.and last but not least....the most recent installment of poems by lauren:

Five more minutes, three, then two
we flew. Released again
to the blacktop and swings.
We spot his little boy figure
on the edge of our world,
immersed in his own. Not so
far from mine.
Here go the murmmers, ideas
popping and jumping.
Aware of his fears we gather
catching and clasping fake
grasshoppers. We bounce
and leap, closing in.
He looks, sees, knows.
The chase begins.
Mob of fake hopper filled fists
led by gangly legs
of the little boy figure.
I stop to watch the romp.
A twinge of clarity.
Perhaps he's thankful for attention,
probably despises it's breed.
Why have we invaded?
What will remain?
I turn, kneel, put down my weapon.
They hop from my hand
first three, then two, then none.

(we had to write on a significant childhood experience/moment of epiphany. for some reason i kept thinking about how me and my friends used to chase this kid around at recess (maybe you were there Claire?) with fake grasshoppers in our hands because we knew he was terrified of them. i think it's a vivid memory because it might have been one of the first times i really started to understand guilt.)

i hope your creative endeavors are going well.

love love